The world is a shade of gray.  3 days before there were reds, greens,
blues.  Today it is nothing but blue.

I was fine 3 days ago.  Life was good.  I was happy.  Why did you
contact me?  What was your motivation?  Honestly.  Was it because you
missed me?  Was it because you saw a picture of me?  It's not fair!
Fuck it!  Life's not fair.  It's about time you fuck up my life like
I've done yours so many times before.

I'm not going to call you.  I'm not going to txt you.  Not yet!  I
want to but I won't.  Not until I'm sure.  I won't ask the question
unless i'm willing to accept the answer.  I won't act unless I'm
willing to accept the outcome.  Don't confuse this with not caring, in fact it's the exact opposite.

In April I hoped for a secret rendezvous!  A secret getaway in a suite
in the city of sin.  But you didn't call and neither did I.  It would
have been wrong.

But now...now it would be ok.  Still inappropriate but not wrong.
Come with me, to a secret destination.  One of fear and uncertainty.
One of emotions and passion.  Fly with me, away, fly with me.  Let's see
where this trip takes us, this road.  This scary path.  Show me
light.  Show me color.  Change the blue!

It was my decision yet it still hurts.  I'm still sad.  I go through the day filling my time with distractions.  When the day settles down, the darkness returns.  I know it's best.  It has to be done but it doesn't make it any easier.  I know we shouldn't talk.  We need to cut the cord of reliance but it's so hard.  I can't be that cold.  I don't plan on moving on, just past...at least for a little while.  Let's make it an easy transition, let's do it together for us, even though there is no more us.

I took you in last night.  Drank you and reminisced as the cool liquid coated my throat, flowing through me like memories hanging on a cool Fall breeze.  It burns to drink.  It burns to think.  You seep through my vanes.  I sweat you through my pours.

No matter the pain, I come back for more.  Like a child, touching a hot stove.  I call you come.  You pick me up again, with all of my jagged edges.  No matter the pain, you cut yourself again, trusting that I won't scar but I always do.

If I see the poison on the table, next to the dagger, will I pick it up and drink it slowly?  Will you grab the dagger and cut yourself, knowing of the cuts, bruises, scars.  Will we lay there together, hand in hand.  Heart in hands.  Prepared for the pain, expecting it, wanting it.  Our hearts slow, and we drift off, together, forever.

Introducing a new look for a new season.  I thought to celebrate my favorite season of the year I would change my layout.  Unfortunately the sidebar doesn't match up as well, but that will be a work in progress.  Sort of as a celebration of my favorite time of year and all of the good changes happening right now.  The autumn of the year some believe, is the time of slow decay.  I consider it a time of new beginnings and good changes.  The history of my life reflects this.  So many of my life changes has occurred in the Fall.  My move to Colorado, girls, flying etc.  Here's to a new life.  A toast.

I met a very nice girl this morning.  She called herself Angie.  She didn't look like an Angie.  She was a nice girl from the country although you wouldn't have known by her dress.  You could tell that the city wasn't her place despite her trying to make it so.  The first thing I noticed was her eyes.  Beautiful eyes.  Maybe it was the metallic green eye shadow, normally a detraction but for her it worked.  I studied her face, pleasant features.  As we were departing she glanced up and or eyes connected.  She smiled and I sheepishly returned it.  I lost her in the crowd, searching the girls as they walked away.  I couldn't find her, maybe tomorrow.  I will look for my Blue green eyed girl...

I stand on the edge of distraction.  I gradually make my way to the ledge.  I peer over, take a deep breath, jump.

I ran into an old friend this morning.  One I haven't seen in a very long time.  She looked just as beautiful as I remembered.  Maybe even more so.

Our interaction was brief, with the tension thick enough to divide us.  There is baggage there, as much as I would like to deny it.  Things that get in the way of us actually seeing each other, even if it's just over coffee.

I walked away with an unexpected feeling, of sadness and discontent.  One I've lived internally many of times.  I've discovered that I think she had more of an impact on my life then I gave her credit for.  I sit now wondering if the things that got in the way are gone.  Tiny clues given to me in our momentary interaction.  As I stand on another cliff, on another edge, I realize my regretful mistake.  It is a regret.  Losing a friend.  The things that got in the way are gone, I'm now left with two empty hands and a friend lost.

Maybe one day it will be the way it was.  The way it was supposed to be.

"But thoughts they change 
and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess
you're so much more than I remember
Can't help but entertain
these thoughts, thoughts of us together


We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when"

So as I watched The Break-Up last night I noticed something.  I've written before about how movies speak to me and this one was no different.  There is one scene in the movie which stuck out above any other.  The two main characters after struggling throughout the entire movie, and they come to that single most important moment in a relationship.


The moment which will effect the rest of your life.  The edge of the blade, where you will fall.  Neither is right, it is fate.  This moment I have lived and I feel that it will at some point happen to us all.


You have been given your opportunity yet you blew it.  You have realized your mistake so you let it all out.  Everything.  Everything you have ever wanted to say but never did.  The words that you should have used for her, to show her how much you care, how much she means to you.  You look into her eyes hoping that she sees you.  You have nothing left.  Your cards are on the table.  Your chips are out.  Will it be too late.  You have to try.


As she begins to cry, you see it.  Who is this person.  Is this how you were.  The tears are empty.  She knows it is over.  So do you.  She gave you your chance.  "No it can't be!"  I can change her mind...please listen to me...I've never been so sincere.  She tells you to leave.  No wait.  Let me just hold you, you will feel it.  You will feel me.  Please leave.  But...  GET OUT!!! ...  Ok, where do you go from here.  How hard can you try.  How much is it worth.  Is love really enough?  


As you turn and walk out the door, as the shades close, you see the sun setting.  The rooms getting darker.  You look one last time into her eyes, yes you will see her again but this is the last time you will ever see HER.  You see her heart breaking.  You see her wanting to change the way it ends.  She wants it to never end.  But it's too late.  She's not in control.  Her hearts in an empty room with a shadow.  A box locked tight, and you will never again have the key.