So to my embarrassment it has been entirely too long since I've written on here. It's funny how it works out, you do good for a while and are consistent and then life takes over. So what's new?

Well the biggest life change as of late is that I not only closed on my house, but I'm mostly moved in as well. A few odds and ends at the old place and the fridge is being delivered today so I should be set. It was an experience to say the least, something I do not look forward too anytime soon, but soooooo worth it. It's kind of weird actually. I walk in the front door and it still doesn't feel like it's my place. I'm sure it will come in time though.

I still need some furniture to make it all homie but it will all come in time. I'm just excited to be able to buy milk and have a place to put it.

What else is new. Oh yeah, geek time. COD:MW2 came out this week. One word, incredible. I took the day off yesterday to play it and it is amazing. The multiplayer is so diverse and customizable. It will keep me entertained for a very long time.

Well that's pretty much it for now. I'm excited about the upcoming holidays, and look forward to decorating my house. Maybe that's what my next post will be about!

The dark has consumed me as I sit in the corner of my round room. The walls tilt as support weakens, dust and rock settle.

I look behind me and realize my shoulders are just to tired to carry the burdens of my past so I turn and walk away. I don't have the energy. The shadows are dark and mocking. Flicker on the wall as the light bounces and fades. I put down my head hiding from what's out their. My heart cracks and splinters. Afraid of what's to come. At the moment of most despair I feel a hand on my shoulder, a warm voice in my heart. The darkness begins to fade.

I stand on my own two feet, the future is my illumination. My beacon in the dark. If I follow this light my path will be clear and the darkness won't touch me anymore.

It was my decision yet it still hurts.  I'm still sad.  I go through the day filling my time with distractions.  When the day settles down, the darkness returns.  I know it's best.  It has to be done but it doesn't make it any easier.  I know we shouldn't talk.  We need to cut the cord of reliance but it's so hard.  I can't be that cold.  I don't plan on moving on, just past...at least for a little while.  Let's make it an easy transition, let's do it together for us, even though there is no more us.

I took you in last night.  Drank you and reminisced as the cool liquid coated my throat, flowing through me like memories hanging on a cool Fall breeze.  It burns to drink.  It burns to think.  You seep through my vanes.  I sweat you through my pours.

No matter the pain, I come back for more.  Like a child, touching a hot stove.  I call you come.  You pick me up again, with all of my jagged edges.  No matter the pain, you cut yourself again, trusting that I won't scar but I always do.

If I see the poison on the table, next to the dagger, will I pick it up and drink it slowly?  Will you grab the dagger and cut yourself, knowing of the cuts, bruises, scars.  Will we lay there together, hand in hand.  Heart in hands.  Prepared for the pain, expecting it, wanting it.  Our hearts slow, and we drift off, together, forever.

Introducing a new look for a new season.  I thought to celebrate my favorite season of the year I would change my layout.  Unfortunately the sidebar doesn't match up as well, but that will be a work in progress.  Sort of as a celebration of my favorite time of year and all of the good changes happening right now.  The autumn of the year some believe, is the time of slow decay.  I consider it a time of new beginnings and good changes.  The history of my life reflects this.  So many of my life changes has occurred in the Fall.  My move to Colorado, girls, flying etc.  Here's to a new life.  A toast.

artificial seasons . by *m0thyyku on deviantART


I realize these feelings are artificial.  I understand this because of my constant falling off the fence and whichever side I land on depends on the thought, memory, or person I see which sparked the fall.

I look at a letter and think what might life be like?  I see a picture and wish for that life.  A second chance.  With both, or one, or neither.

I see her at my game.  In my house.  In my car.  In my life.  She's/they are not there.  I see another girl and wonder, "could she be the one?"  I look at her figure and wish.  Snapping me back to reality, again confirming that I'm superficial.  I want yet I don't.  It's been a year, two, seven.  Will it end?  Will the mechanical gears inside ever match their teeth again?  Or will they grind away leaving the continuously smooth loop.

So I am finally on my way to "my" new house.  After weeks of stressing and searching, I finally was successful on a bid I made on a house.  It's in a nice location, not too far from the light rail, and should have a decent ability to resale when the time comes.

The living room is kind of small, and the kitchen is a little outdated but the master is amazing.  So big.  My dreams are now filled with decorating my new place.  I never thought I would be a fan of HGTV, but it is now my staple channel.

I'm on my way but there is still a long ways to go.  I will keep you updated as the process proceeds.  My current step is getting the loan stuff situated.  My closing date is October 27th.  Just in time for Halloween, my first holiday in my house.

It's ok I put out the fire.  Things in my life have been busier as of late then it has in a long time.  Where shall we start?  How about at the beginning.

I met a very nice girl this morning.  She called herself Angie.  She didn't look like an Angie.  She was a nice girl from the country although you wouldn't have known by her dress.  You could tell that the city wasn't her place despite her trying to make it so.  The first thing I noticed was her eyes.  Beautiful eyes.  Maybe it was the metallic green eye shadow, normally a detraction but for her it worked.  I studied her face, pleasant features.  As we were departing she glanced up and or eyes connected.  She smiled and I sheepishly returned it.  I lost her in the crowd, searching the girls as they walked away.  I couldn't find her, maybe tomorrow.  I will look for my Blue green eyed girl...

I stand on the edge of distraction.  I gradually make my way to the ledge.  I peer over, take a deep breath, jump.

I ran into an old friend this morning.  One I haven't seen in a very long time.  She looked just as beautiful as I remembered.  Maybe even more so.

Our interaction was brief, with the tension thick enough to divide us.  There is baggage there, as much as I would like to deny it.  Things that get in the way of us actually seeing each other, even if it's just over coffee.

I walked away with an unexpected feeling, of sadness and discontent.  One I've lived internally many of times.  I've discovered that I think she had more of an impact on my life then I gave her credit for.  I sit now wondering if the things that got in the way are gone.  Tiny clues given to me in our momentary interaction.  As I stand on another cliff, on another edge, I realize my regretful mistake.  It is a regret.  Losing a friend.  The things that got in the way are gone, I'm now left with two empty hands and a friend lost.

Maybe one day it will be the way it was.  The way it was supposed to be.

"But thoughts they change 
and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess
you're so much more than I remember
Can't help but entertain
these thoughts, thoughts of us together


We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when"